Moving From Attitude to Gratitude: Reflections from a Physician as a Patient

It’s four in the morning on the 10th day post-op from my second spinal surgery. The pain at night is relentless, and I remain awake, unable to get additional medication due to the timing and dosing. I’ve found that using ice as a means to manage the pain has fewer side effects than some of the medications, which led to unsettling hallucinations.

As I talk to the nurse on duty, our conversation drifts to faith. She reveals that she is Buddhist, and I ask her to teach me some core concepts of Buddhism. She speaks not as an expert theologian but as a practical 30-something woman who grew up in a Cambodian community. She explains that they strive to maintain a positive attitude, viewing a negative attitude as a sin. She also mentions that they communicate with God through meditation.

Our discussion on meditation reminds me of the last time I meditated deeply—while hiking Mount Kilimanjaro in the 14,000-foot range, where the air is thin. Over a decade later, I still remember the mantra I created during that hike. It began with, “I love my life. Thank you for my wife,” followed by a series of gratitude statements about my family, friends, opportunities, and health.

This hospitalization has reminded me that one way of dealing with its stress is to shift my perspective. As a physician who once walked these hallways 40 years ago, training, running code teams, meeting colleagues, and eventually falling in love and starting a family, I have romanticized those days when our goals were clear, and our passion to help patients was paramount. Back then, I wanted to be known as a teacher more than just a good doctor.

During this hospitalization, I’ve been critical of things as trivial as staffing levels at night, the comfort of the furniture, and the food (although I do like the food most of the time). I realized I was adopting an attitude that sought out faults, either to make suggestions for improvement or to act as if the past was somehow better, and people were more professional.

However, my conversations with my Cambodian nurse have led me to shift from an attitude of criticism to one of gratitude. When I looked for things to be grateful for, I found them in abundance—the small kindnesses, the conveniences, the privilege of having access to certain resources, the supportive phone and Zoom calls from colleagues carrying on my work while I’m unable to contribute much.

The major contrast between a bad attitude and gratitude is stark: with a bad attitude, everything seems to happen to you; with gratitude, everything happens for you, done for your benefit. I am grateful for this insight and will continue to embrace this perspective. I might even try to add some meditation to my prayers to help reduce the need for medication amid this endless fog of physical pain and challenges.

As I embark on this new phase of recovery, I am reminded of the importance of gratitude. It transforms our experience, highlighting the positive and allowing us to see the good even in difficult times.

I am thankful for the people around me, for the care I receive, and for the opportunity to learn and grow from this experience. This journey has reinforced the power of a positive attitude and the healing potential of gratitude.